I think I am in a bad relationship and am feeling very depressed. My boyfriend yells at me a lot and breaks up with me after every time we have sex together. I feel I have lost my dignity for him and that I am not a good woman because of this. I have asked him what is going to happen with us and he uses a lot of bad words and yells at me and then tells me is doesn't know what is going to happen with us because he is confused.
Today he told me he is tired of arguing and thinks we should break up, which is what he says every time we see each other, but then he tells me he loves me and we have sex again and I think I am confused. I feel used and cry a lot. What should I do?
Aye, m'ija, STOP!
That's the short answer: Stop. Stop it RIGHT NOW. Stop calling him. Stop having sex with him. Stop crying tears for him. I don't care how good the sex is if the relationship is bad. And if we are being honest, we need to take a look at how your self-worth made for for the perfect storm.
I don't claim to have it all figured out for myself, but I can tell you where I've been and where I'm going. Back in the day, I dated quite a few jerks who cheered themselves up by putting me down. And while it may seem like a no-brainer from the outside, it's not always so easy to navigate the murky waters when we can't even see your feet from where we're standing. Understandable, especially when you're knee-deep in the mother of all sh*tstorms, of course, which is exactly why I'm here.
Let's go over a few of your points, m'kay?
1. He breaks up with you after "every time" you have sex and "yells at you a lot". Technically, he broke up with you once and has been taking advantage of you every time since. This is breaking your spirit. Walk away. Now.
2. You feel like you've "lost your dignity" because you know you deserve better. Whether you fear being alone or think you can't do better, you can and you will. Treat yourself with the respect you know you deserve from yourself and others starting now and I promise you you'll find the dignity you thought you'd lost.
3. He is "confused" and "doesn't know what is going to happen" with you as a couple. I'll make this simple. Nothing. That's what is going to happen as a couple and YOU ARE PERFECTLY OKAY WITH THIS.
I'm taking this one step further and recommending talk therapy for you to get help working through your self-esteem issues. You are amazing and fabulous. Know it. Live it. The only validation you will ever need comes from within. -- Own it.
Pauline Campos is Latina Magazine's #DIMELO advice columnist and founder of the #ChingonaFest community. Email her your questions at email@example.com. Connect with her on her blog, www.aspiringmama.com, follow her on twitter: @pauline_campos, and learn more about #ChingonaFest by following on instagram and tumblr.