It’s the NBA Playoffs! But you can give a flying duck, right? While your hubbies and beaus are glued to the TV, you can focus on which NBA baller has the tightest bod, biggest muscles, and best grip. Well, chicas we present one of our fave games to play—Eff, Marry, Kill: NBA Playoffs Edition. Get ready for the, ahem, tip-off!
Eff: Al Horford
Team: Atlanta Hawks
How Many Times?: 15 (It’s his jersey number.)
Why?: Any man who can land former Ms. Universe, Amelia Vega, for a wife must be a maestro in between the sheets. Also, since the chiseled dominicano loves to post his tweets in both English and Spanish, we’re sure he knows sexual pleasure is a two-way street.
Shoe Size: 17—Bravo!
Marry: Carmelo Anthony
Team: New York Knicks
For how long?: Forever!
Why?: The Puerto Rican and African American baller told us he’s enamored with strong women in our May issue. We’re ready to get on bended knee and ask for his big (wink!) hand in marriage every time he sweats through his jersey.
Ay Papi!: He’s a great father to his 6-year-old Kiyan. We just melted!
Kill: Pau Gasol
Team: Los Angeles Lakers
Weapon of Choice: Cyanide (Hello, he’s a giant!)
Why?: Yeah, yeah he’s a two-time NBA champion with the Lakers (thank you, Kobe), but the Spanish player just doesn’t do it for us. A) He looks like Big Bird in his yellow uniform and B) Critics and fellow NBAers have accused him of playing soft. Soft is for pillows, not basketball players.
Eff: Manu Ginobli
Team: San Antonio Spurs
How many times?: 3
Why?: Since the Argentinean is a champion basketball player (3 NBA titles, 1 Euroleague title, 1 Olympic gold medal), we’re confident he knows how to finish strong.
Strongman: Even though he’s playing with an injured hamstring, Ginobli led his Spurs to a series sweep over the Lakers this past weekend. Which means he’s willing to go the extra mile behind closed doors. Manu, you sexy, balding lover boy!
Marry: Marc Gasol
Team: Memphis Grizzlies
For how long?: At least five years (In 2011, he signed a four-year contract worth almost $58 million…not that it’s all about the money—cough, cough)
Why?: He’s a better-looking version of his older brother, Pau. And, most importantly, we just want to nestle up with Marc, some tapas, and a good bottle of wine.
Pudgy Problem: He’s prone to pack on the pounds but a few of us are chubby chasers.
Kill: Brook Lopez
Team: Brooklyn Nets
Weapon of Choice: Machete (He walks like a zombie so his fate should be decided Walking Dead-style)
Why?: Aside from looking like a Cuban American Shrek, Lopez doesn’t maintain a groomed look—his Afro is usually unkempt and his face unshaven. He’s more unattractive than a pre-millionaire Jay-Z.