Sex Talk with Dr. Charley: In Search of the Big O

Dear Dr. Charley:

I’m a 25-year-old woman who has had what I would consider pretty normal sexual experiences so far. I’ve had sex with two men who were serious boyfriends and a few more casual encounters. The problem is that I don’t think I’ve ever had an orgasm. I recently started dating a new guy and it’s getting serious and I want to be able to talk to him about it, but I kind of feel like a freak show because I’ve never experienced orgasms.

Do you think I’ll ever be able to enjoy sex fully? Should I just fake it? Do you have any suggestions about how to talk to my new boyfriend about this?


Frustrated in Phoenix  
Dear Frustrated in Phoenix:
You're not alone. Many women experience the same frustration and inability to experience an orgasm with their partner/s. Having an orgasm isn't just about having great sex, it's about how you feel when you're with the person and how vulnerable and open you are wiling to allow yourself to be.
It’s essential to understand that being unable to achieve an orgasm with your partner is an emotional block not a physical one. This is especially true if you’re able to orgasm alone. Engaging in sex at times makes a woman feel vulnerable. Sometimes women hold back due to fears such as:  Will he notice my love handles? Will he call tomorrow or think I was too easy? These thoughts and more during sex ensure you don't reach that scrumptious release.  

Another culprit to a womens ability to orgasm is what I call Stop-Watch Syndrome. If you're looking at the clock and worried that your orgasm is taking too long to arrive, it never will. Instead of fearing you’re taking too long, focus on where his hands are, where his mouth is, those delicious tingling sensations your body is experiencing. Amplify them.  Don't be afraid to communicate your needs during the moment. Make noise. Move your body. A good lover always welcomes instruction. Later you can address your fears.  
If you’ve never had an orgasm with yourself, then learning your body’s desires and what you need is essential. Watch some instructional videos, read a few manuals…sexplore! If you still can’t orgasm alone, then it’s time to call in a Sex Therapist to get to the bottom of the issue.  
Finally, never ever fake an orgasm! This robs you both of having him become the lover you need and he wants to be for you. Not to mention it can lead to high blood pleasure, yeast infections, stress, sexual dysfunctions, and much more.  
Live with passion,
Dr. Charley

To submit a question for Dr. Charley Ferrer to answer in her new column send her an email at