I Struggle With Dirty Talking During Sex

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This article originally appeared on Love Sujeiry. 

“Talk dirty to me, babe,” is a phrase I’ve heard far too often. Just like freshmen year drama class, Melissa and role-playing do not go hand in hand.

MORE: How to Talk Dirty to Your Guy in Spanish

Why is it that men expect me to morph into some verbally-seductive temptress? And most importantly, why is it impossible for me to act out their fantasy without bursting into laughter or gagging in disgust? No offense, babe, but let’s keep our mouths closed unless we’re making out or giving oral. Your porn star banter is a real turn off.

It started back with a one night stand with a guy I met through work. We banged on a sailboat. I should have known he was a bit off when he asked me if I spoke Mexican. He screamed “little bitch” and “dirty cunt” while demanding I verbally abuse him back. The best I could come up with was an awkward “fuck me, you asshole” and he seemed to really enjoy it. I repeated it over and over while holding back laughter and horror. I climbed out of the boat short of breath, hair in dreadlocks and entirely confused as to what just happened to me.

Then there was that boyfriend I despised who kept quiet until a few minutes before he was about to come. The dirty talk was a relief as that meant the end was near. “You like that babe? Yeah? You like that?” he’d repeat in a creepy high-pitched tone. “Yeah, you’re a dirty little girl aren’t you?” I’d lie there silently, holding back vomit and thinking to myself, “No, I didn’t fucking like that and I’m not a dirty little girl,” as he finally finished and put an end to the worst 5 minutes of my day.

I understand that not all dirty talk is created equal; some is a bit more extreme. It’s definitely possible to engage in erotic and sensual teasing that is mutually arousing. Unfortunately for me, I only get the hardcore, creepy porno stuff and I can’t figure out why! Am I giving off some sort of pheromone that’s attracting sexually perverse men? Does it say “dirty little whore” on my forehead and I just don’t know it?

I’m not sure but I’m confident I’ll eventually find a man who can reach an orgasm without having to berate me. If not, I’ll take notes from my favorite rap songs until I’ve created a word bank substantial enough to exceed his expectations.

PLUS: 6 Foods and Drinks That Promote Great Sex

You want dirty? I’ll give you dirty.