This article originally appeared on YourTango, By Elizabeth Ayers-Callahan
We all have our sexy little secrets.
Figuring out someone in bed takes months. Figuring out someone in a relationship takes years.
Then there’s figuring out how to talk about someone’s sexual fantasies.
You can read thousands of articles, you can watch Sex in the City reruns, you can sexually Myers-Briggs your man to death, you can spend thousands of dollars on therapy…
You can just ask them! Profound concept, right? However, asking someone point blank what their secret sex fantasy is can be like asking a stranger for his or her ATM pin code. You’re probably not going to get an honest answer.
When we start out a new romance, the best way to get to know each other is by asking questions. What do you do? What’s your favorite movie? There’s a lot of hidden information in those questions that we elegantly use to figure people out.
Sexual interrogation doesn't have to be clunky either.
When you’re trying to figure out how to make your man’s sexual fantasies real, you don’t have to just clumsily ask, “Hey, do you want me to dress up in a Starfleet uniform and use the Vulcan Mind Meld on your Captain’s log?”
We can figure this stuff out like mature, dignified adults, even if you have to use a little subterfuge to get your man talking. But the worst thing we can do is ignore the BIG implied question — What do you both really, REALLY want sexually?
If we leave those sex fantasy questions unasked and, ten months later, you’re resentful that he hasn’t tied you up yet and he’s frustrated you won’t play along with scenario he keeps hinting at.
So, here are FIVE simple, sneaky (yet innocuous) ways you can start feeling out your partner’s secret sexual fantasies, get you both talking about sex, and circumvent the awkwardness.
1. Ask “What was the first thing you can remember that turned you on sexually?”
This sounds weird, but asking this can offer HUGE insights into what pushes your partner's buttons sexually. For example, I once had a boyfriend who admitted that, when he was young, he was obsessed with commercials for Bodyshaping, a morning workout program for ESPN. Cut to 30 years later and he’s got an odd little kink for aerobics and bodysuits. Go figure.
2. Figure out what time of day (and what circumstances) does your partner usually get the most “charged up.”
Life can be hectic. It is hard enough to sync up schedule-wise, so it’s good to figure out when you’re both feeling the most in the mood. Is it morning or night? Is it when he’s bored at work or the first time you see each other after you get home? You need to know! Figure out when he's at his perkiest and use that time to start asking him about what turns him on. (He'll be way more apt to answer.)
3. If the sex fantasy too embarrassing to bring up, rent a movie.
The easiest example is 50 Shades of Grey. Maybe not the best true-to-life example of real-life bondage (or acting), but what a better way to enter into a conversation about BDSM with someone? Find a movie that features what you’re into (or you suspect your man is into), keep your finger on the pause button, and let the movie be your sexual icebreaker.
4. Make the sex fantasy equivalent of a swear jar.
Try this exercise with your partner. Ask them — if there was a “sexy thoughts” box where you could slip in a piece of paper with a secret desire every time you had one, would your box be… a). Dusty, b). Medium-full, c). In need of a second box to handle the overflow?
The next step is making that box (and hiding it from your kids) and filling it with some suggestions to get your man thinking about what he might really want. It’s an indirect, and extremely effective, way to create sexual anticipation.
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