5 Lies Your Abuela Told You About Sex

There are few things more uncomfortable in a Latino household than “the talk.”

I knew my father wished I died a virgin, which made sex a mindboggling and conflicting conversation. My grandmother's hardcore bruja spiritualism kept my legs together much longer than any of my friends. It's shocking to think that my goddess of a mother kept her own sex life, teen pregnancy and even me sealed for so long. My white virtue loomed over my adolescence much like the purity flower that Jane's grandmother Alba Villanueva hung over her bed on Jane the Virgin.

While abuela typically knows best, that's not the case when it comes to sex. Here are a few sex facts that proved your Latina grandma wrong.

More: The Real Life Jane Villanuevas: 10 Women Waiting Until Marriage to Have Sex

1. Tampons Steal Your Virginity

My primos were jumping in El Yunque’s waterfall soaking in the island vibes, while I was stuck to an old-school maxi pad on the sidelines. My “friend” arrived and my grandmother insisted on updating every relative within a five-foot radius. She proudly announced that I was a virgin and wasn’t permitted to tamper with purity by using tampons. I wanted to crawl inside myself from embarrassment. 

2. Shoes Size Equals … Well, You Know!

Steve Harvey told us to make him wait 90 days. Considering I survived a breakup, I needed someone who knew how to behave – and the new boo did. This over 6-foot tall abuela prototype of a man seemingly had everything going for him. He was ambitious, we laughed all the time, and he even checked in.  After nearly a dozen dates, I agreed to remove my shyness for him – only to find out he was basura in bed. I wished I could overlook it, but you can guess the rest.

3. You Better Do What He Asks You to in The Bedroom … or Sucias

As (pretend) prude as your grandmother is, eventually the woman your grandfather married surfaces. After a couple glasses of wine, my four-foot innocent abuela became rather chatty. She gave me advice on the things I ought to do in order to "beware of sucias." However, grandma hasn’t been on Instagram. Even if you’re a great woman, typically, a young man is a young man, is young man, again! 

4. Porn is for Men

The lie detector test determined that was a lie. Sorry, there’s no punchline.

5. Only Virgins Get Married in White

My free-spirited relative walked down the aisle in a stunning lace white gown. Still, it was difficult not to notice my grandmother's puzzled glare. “That dress should be funeral black,” she whispered. I think she forgot, “Thou shall not judge.”