8 Reasons Why a Big Penis Just Isn’t Cute

We’re obsessed with the belief that bigger is better. But does that theory hold true when he’s got a Big Ego? Here are 8 reasons why you might want a guy with a normal size package.  

MORE: This Map Shows Average Erect Penis Size by Country

1. Big Penis Negatives: Pain


Let’s face it: He may be Mr. Right Now and not Mr. Right, so ask yourself if surviving his extremely large member is worth the pain. Should the night end with a toe curl and leg quiver? Or a numb va-jay-jay? You decide. 

2. Big Penis Negatives: Security


There should be a law against carrying a concealed sexy weapon (i.e. 12-inches or more) in your boxers, right? Or at least some kinda infraction that makes it illegal to show up at girls’ night out looking for unsuspecting single ladies. Boy, bye.

3. Big Penis Negatives: Butt


If you were thinking about back door action, a Big Ego may be a turn off. So when it’s brought up in casual conversation, be prepared—superhero style—to be clear that you’re not down for the chocolate cha cha. 

4. Big Penis Negatives: Dizzy


It can really mess with your head (no pun intended), if you were anticipating a medium-size happy meal and Mr. Johnson has a super-size chorizo. Expect a dizzy spell. Heart palpitations. Dry mouth. You may even wonder about the meaning of life, if you’re really about that one night stand life or if it’s time to be celibate. 

5. Big Penis Negatives: Condom Sizes


A regular size condom stashed in your nightstand won’t fit this anaconda. So get your supply up with Magnum, One the Legend and Glyde Maxi or insist that he comes strapped with protection that caters to his length and girth. 

6. Big Penis Negatives: Long Sex


When Beyoncé and Jay are drunk in love, they “be all night” like a long ass baseball game. But if his “bat” is too big, skip the nine innings and call the game on account of rain.

7. Big Penis Negatives: Crazy Looking


The saying, “if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen ’em all” doesn’t apply here. Aesthetically speaking, Russell the Human Love Muscle isn’t that pretty to look anyway, so it’s okay to run away from one that looks like it belongs in the freak show with the Bearded Lady.

8. Big Penis Negatives: High Expectations


The size queens in the room expect a Bruno Mars-style performance on the kitchen counter, so hopefully he’s learned how to work his impressive 24k Magic Stick and isn’t one of those guys who over promises and under delivers.